diff --git a/analytics/management/commands/check_analytics_state.py b/analytics/management/commands/check_analytics_state.py
index 05eadc6111..84286b72a3 100644
--- a/analytics/management/commands/check_analytics_state.py
+++ b/analytics/management/commands/check_analytics_state.py
@@ -1,13 +1,13 @@
-import os
-import time
+from dataclasses import dataclass
 from datetime import timedelta
-from typing import Any, Dict
+from typing import Any, Literal
 
 from django.utils.timezone import now as timezone_now
 from typing_extensions import override
 
 from analytics.lib.counts import ALL_COUNT_STATS, CountStat
 from analytics.models import installation_epoch
+from scripts.lib.zulip_tools import atomic_nagios_write
 from zerver.lib.management import ZulipBaseCommand
 from zerver.lib.timestamp import TimeZoneNotUTCError, floor_to_day, floor_to_hour, verify_UTC
 from zerver.models import Realm
@@ -20,6 +20,12 @@ states = {
 }
 
 
+@dataclass
+class NagiosResult:
+    status: Literal["ok", "warning", "critical", "unknown"]
+    message: str
+
+
 class Command(ZulipBaseCommand):
     help = """Checks FillState table.
 
@@ -28,19 +34,11 @@ class Command(ZulipBaseCommand):
     @override
     def handle(self, *args: Any, **options: Any) -> None:
         fill_state = self.get_fill_state()
-        status = fill_state["status"]
-        message = fill_state["message"]
+        atomic_nagios_write("check-analytics-state", fill_state.status, fill_state.message)
 
-        state_file_path = "/var/lib/nagios_state/check-analytics-state"
-        state_file_tmp = state_file_path + "-tmp"
-
-        with open(state_file_tmp, "w") as f:
-            f.write(f"{int(time.time())}|{status}|{states[status]}|{message}\n")
-        os.rename(state_file_tmp, state_file_path)
-
-    def get_fill_state(self) -> Dict[str, Any]:
+    def get_fill_state(self) -> NagiosResult:
         if not Realm.objects.exists():
-            return {"status": 0, "message": "No realms exist, so not checking FillState."}
+            return NagiosResult(status="ok", message="No realms exist, so not checking FillState.")
 
         warning_unfilled_properties = []
         critical_unfilled_properties = []
@@ -51,7 +49,9 @@ class Command(ZulipBaseCommand):
             try:
                 verify_UTC(last_fill)
             except TimeZoneNotUTCError:
-                return {"status": 2, "message": f"FillState not in UTC for {property}"}
+                return NagiosResult(
+                    status="critical", message=f"FillState not in UTC for {property}"
+                )
 
             if stat.frequency == CountStat.DAY:
                 floor_function = floor_to_day
@@ -63,10 +63,10 @@ class Command(ZulipBaseCommand):
                 critical_threshold = timedelta(minutes=150)
 
             if floor_function(last_fill) != last_fill:
-                return {
-                    "status": 2,
-                    "message": f"FillState not on {stat.frequency} boundary for {property}",
-                }
+                return NagiosResult(
+                    status="critical",
+                    message=f"FillState not on {stat.frequency} boundary for {property}",
+                )
 
             time_to_last_fill = timezone_now() - last_fill
             if time_to_last_fill > critical_threshold:
@@ -75,18 +75,18 @@ class Command(ZulipBaseCommand):
                 warning_unfilled_properties.append(property)
 
         if len(critical_unfilled_properties) == 0 and len(warning_unfilled_properties) == 0:
-            return {"status": 0, "message": "FillState looks fine."}
+            return NagiosResult(status="ok", message="FillState looks fine.")
         if len(critical_unfilled_properties) == 0:
-            return {
-                "status": 1,
-                "message": "Missed filling {} once.".format(
+            return NagiosResult(
+                status="warning",
+                message="Missed filling {} once.".format(
                     ", ".join(warning_unfilled_properties),
                 ),
-            }
-        return {
-            "status": 2,
-            "message": "Missed filling {} once. Missed filling {} at least twice.".format(
+            )
+        return NagiosResult(
+            status="critical",
+            message="Missed filling {} once. Missed filling {} at least twice.".format(
                 ", ".join(warning_unfilled_properties),
                 ", ".join(critical_unfilled_properties),
             ),
-        }
+        )
diff --git a/puppet/kandra/files/cron.d/rabbitmq-monitoring b/puppet/kandra/files/cron.d/rabbitmq-monitoring
deleted file mode 100644
index 6de866fe2e..0000000000
--- a/puppet/kandra/files/cron.d/rabbitmq-monitoring
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,26 +0,0 @@
-# Edit this file to introduce tasks to be run by cron.
-#
-# Each task to run has to be defined through a single line
-# indicating with different fields when the task will be run
-# and what command to run for the task
-#
-# To define the time you can provide concrete values for
-# minute (m), hour (h), day of month (dom), month (mon),
-# and day of week (dow) or use '*' in these fields (for 'any').#
-# Notice that tasks will be started based on the cron's system
-# daemon's notion of time and timezones.
-#
-# Output of the crontab jobs (including errors) is sent through
-# email to the user the crontab file belongs to (unless redirected).
-#
-# For example, you can run a backup of all your user accounts
-# at 5 a.m every week with:
-# 0 5 * * 1 tar -zcf /var/backups/home.tgz /home/
-#
-# For more information see the manual pages of crontab(5) and cron(8)
-#
-# m h  dom mon dow   command
-SHELL=/bin/bash
-
-* * * * * root /home/zulip/deployments/current/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-queue &> /var/lib/nagios_state/check-rabbitmq-results-tmp; mv /var/lib/nagios_state/check-rabbitmq-results-tmp /var/lib/nagios_state/check-rabbitmq-results
-* * * * * root /home/zulip/deployments/current/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-consumers
diff --git a/puppet/kandra/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_zephyr_mirror/check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness b/puppet/kandra/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_zephyr_mirror/check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness
index 685b9fa144..adb91379ea 100755
--- a/puppet/kandra/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_zephyr_mirror/check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness
+++ b/puppet/kandra/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_zephyr_mirror/check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness
@@ -10,15 +10,14 @@ Django ORM.
 import os
 import sys
 from datetime import timedelta
-from typing import NoReturn, Optional
 
 sys.path.append("/home/zulip/deployments/current")
 from scripts.lib.setup_path import setup_path
+from scripts.lib.zulip_tools import atomic_nagios_write
 
 setup_path()
 
 import django
-from django.db.models import QuerySet
 from django.utils.timezone import now as timezone_now
 
 os.environ["DJANGO_SETTINGS_MODULE"] = "zproject.settings"
@@ -27,51 +26,13 @@ sys.path.append("/home/zulip/deployments/current/zerver")
 
 django.setup()
 
-from typing import Dict
 
 from zerver.models import UserActivity
 from zerver.models.clients import get_client
 
-states: Dict[str, int] = {
-    "OK": 0,
-    "WARNING": 1,
-    "CRITICAL": 2,
-    "UNKNOWN": 3,
-}
-
-state_file_path = "/var/lib/nagios_state/check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness"
 now = timezone_now()
 
 
-def report(
-    state: str, short_msg: str, all_users: Optional[QuerySet[UserActivity]] = None
-) -> NoReturn:
-    too_old_data = ""
-    if all_users is not None:
-        recently_inactive_users = (
-            all_users.filter(last_visit__lt=now - timedelta(minutes=10))
-            .distinct("user_profile_id")
-            .difference(
-                all_users.filter(last_visit__lt=now - timedelta(minutes=60)).distinct(
-                    "user_profile_id"
-                )
-            )
-        )
-        too_old_data = "\nLast call to get_message for recently out of date mirrors:\n" + "\n".join(
-            "{:>16}: {}".format(
-                user.user_profile.email,
-                user.last_visit.strftime("%Y-%m-%d %H:%M %Z"),
-            )
-            for user in recently_inactive_users
-        )
-
-    with open(state_file_path + ".tmp", "w") as f:
-        f.write(f"{int(now.timestamp())}|{states[state]}|{state}|{short_msg}{too_old_data}")
-    os.rename(state_file_path + ".tmp", state_file_path)
-    print(f"{state}: {short_msg}{too_old_data}")
-    sys.exit(states[state])
-
-
 zephyr_client = get_client("zephyr_mirror")
 all_users = UserActivity.objects.filter(
     # We need to use the client_id so we can use the partial index we
@@ -84,23 +45,51 @@ all_users = UserActivity.objects.filter(
     query__in=["get_events", "/api/v1/events"],
     client_id=zephyr_client.id,
 )
-new_inactive_users = (
+new_inactive_user_count = (
     all_users.filter(last_visit__lt=now - timedelta(minutes=10))
     .values("user_profile_id")
     .distinct("user_profile_id")
     .count()
 )
 
-old_inactive_users = (
+old_inactive_user_count = (
     all_users.filter(last_visit__lt=now - timedelta(minutes=60))
     .values("user_profile_id")
     .distinct("user_profile_id")
     .count()
 )
 
-recently_inactive_users = new_inactive_users - old_inactive_users
+recently_inactive_user_count = new_inactive_user_count - old_inactive_user_count
 
-if recently_inactive_users / float(old_inactive_users) > 0.25:
-    report("CRITICAL", "Many mirrors recently became inactive", all_users)
+if recently_inactive_user_count / float(old_inactive_user_count) > 0.25:
+    recently_inactive_users = (
+        all_users.filter(last_visit__lt=now - timedelta(minutes=10))
+        .distinct("user_profile_id")
+        .difference(
+            all_users.filter(last_visit__lt=now - timedelta(minutes=60)).distinct("user_profile_id")
+        )
+    )
+    too_old_data = (
+        "Many mirrors recently became inactive\n"
+        "Last call to get_message for recently out of date mirrors:\n"
+        + "\n".join(
+            "{:>16}: {}".format(
+                user.user_profile.email,
+                user.last_visit.strftime("%Y-%m-%d %H:%M %Z"),
+            )
+            for user in recently_inactive_users
+        )
+    )
+
+    sys.exit(
+        atomic_nagios_write(
+            "check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness", "critical", too_old_data, int(now.timestamp())
+        )
+    )
 else:
-    report("OK", "Most mirrors that were recently active continue to be active")
+    atomic_nagios_write(
+        "check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness",
+        "ok",
+        "Most mirrors that were recently active continue to be active",
+        int(now.timestamp()),
+    )
diff --git a/puppet/kandra/manifests/app_frontend_monitoring.pp b/puppet/kandra/manifests/app_frontend_monitoring.pp
index e54ed28afd..ce3d56e77e 100644
--- a/puppet/kandra/manifests/app_frontend_monitoring.pp
+++ b/puppet/kandra/manifests/app_frontend_monitoring.pp
@@ -6,12 +6,16 @@ class kandra::app_frontend_monitoring {
   include kandra::prometheus::uwsgi
   include kandra::prometheus::process
   kandra::firewall_allow { 'grok_exporter': port => '9144' }
+
   file { '/etc/cron.d/rabbitmq-monitoring':
-    ensure  => file,
-    require => Package[rabbitmq-server],
-    owner   => 'root',
-    group   => 'root',
-    mode    => '0644',
-    source  => 'puppet:///modules/kandra/cron.d/rabbitmq-monitoring',
+    ensure => absent,
+  }
+  zulip::cron { 'check-rabbitmq-queue':
+    minute  => '*',
+    command => '/home/zulip/deployments/current/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-queue',
+  }
+  zulip::cron { 'check-rabbitmq-consumers':
+    minute  => '*',
+    command => '/home/zulip/deployments/current/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-consumers',
   }
 }
diff --git a/puppet/kandra/manifests/prod_app_frontend_once.pp b/puppet/kandra/manifests/prod_app_frontend_once.pp
index 989c2e680b..974dab6504 100644
--- a/puppet/kandra/manifests/prod_app_frontend_once.pp
+++ b/puppet/kandra/manifests/prod_app_frontend_once.pp
@@ -27,6 +27,6 @@ class kandra::prod_app_frontend_once {
   zulip::cron { 'check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness':
     hour    => '*',
     minute  => '*',
-    command => '/usr/lib/nagios/plugins/zulip_zephyr_mirror/check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness >/dev/null',
+    command => '/usr/lib/nagios/plugins/zulip_zephyr_mirror/check_user_zephyr_mirror_liveness',
   }
 }
diff --git a/puppet/zulip/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_app_frontend/check_send_receive_time b/puppet/zulip/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_app_frontend/check_send_receive_time
index e7c6a1cc4b..dd62dc98f4 100755
--- a/puppet/zulip/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_app_frontend/check_send_receive_time
+++ b/puppet/zulip/files/nagios_plugins/zulip_app_frontend/check_send_receive_time
@@ -13,11 +13,12 @@ import random
 import sys
 import time
 import traceback
-from typing import Any, Dict, List, NoReturn, Optional
+from typing import Any, Dict, List, Literal, NoReturn, Optional
 
 sys.path.append(".")
 sys.path.append("/home/zulip/deployments/current")
 from scripts.lib.setup_path import setup_path
+from scripts.lib.zulip_tools import atomic_nagios_write
 
 setup_path()
 
@@ -47,43 +48,33 @@ parser.add_argument("--insecure", action="store_true")
 options = parser.parse_args()
 
 
-def report(state: str, timestamp: Any = None, msg: Optional[str] = None) -> NoReturn:
-    states = {
-        "OK": 0,
-        "WARNING": 1,
-        "CRITICAL": 2,
-        "UNKNOWN": 3,
-    }
-
-    now = int(time.time())
+def report(
+    state: Literal["ok", "warning", "critical", "unknown"],
+    timestamp: Optional[float] = None,
+    msg: Optional[str] = None,
+) -> NoReturn:
     if msg is None:
         msg = f"send time was {timestamp}"
-    state_file_path = "/var/lib/nagios_state/check_send_receive_state"
-    with open(state_file_path + ".tmp", "w") as f:
-        f.write(f"{now}|{states[state]}|{state}|{msg}\n")
-    os.rename(state_file_path + ".tmp", state_file_path)
-    if states[state] > 0:
-        print(f"{state}: {msg}")
-    sys.exit(states[state])
+    sys.exit(atomic_nagios_write("check_send_receive_state", state, msg))
 
 
 def send_zulip(sender: zulip.Client, message: Dict[str, Any]) -> None:
     result = sender.send_message(message)
     if result["result"] != "success":
-        report("CRITICAL", msg=f"Error sending Zulip, args were: {message}, {result}")
+        report("critical", msg=f"Error sending Zulip, args were: {message}, {result}")
 
 
 def get_zulips() -> List[Dict[str, Any]]:
     global last_event_id
     res = zulip_recipient.get_events(queue_id=queue_id, last_event_id=last_event_id)
     if "error" in res.get("result", {}):
-        report("CRITICAL", msg="Error receiving Zulips, error was: {}".format(res["msg"]))
+        report("critical", msg="Error receiving Zulips, error was: {}".format(res["msg"]))
     for event in res["events"]:
         last_event_id = max(last_event_id, int(event["id"]))
     # If we get a heartbeat event, that means we've been hanging for
     # 40s, and we should bail.
     if "heartbeat" in (event["type"] for event in res["events"]):
-        report("CRITICAL", msg="Got heartbeat waiting for Zulip, which means get_events is hanging")
+        report("critical", msg="Got heartbeat waiting for Zulip, which means get_events is hanging")
     return [event["message"] for event in res["events"]]
 
 
@@ -120,10 +111,10 @@ zulip_recipient = zulip.Client(
 try:
     res = zulip_recipient.register(event_types=["message"])
     if "error" in res.get("result", {}):
-        report("CRITICAL", msg="Error subscribing to Zulips: {}".format(res["msg"]))
+        report("critical", msg="Error subscribing to Zulips: {}".format(res["msg"]))
     queue_id, last_event_id = (res["queue_id"], res["last_event_id"])
 except Exception:
-    report("CRITICAL", msg=f"Error subscribing to Zulips:\n{traceback.format_exc()}")
+    report("critical", msg=f"Error subscribing to Zulips:\n{traceback.format_exc()}")
 msg_to_send = str(random.getrandbits(64))
 time_start = time.perf_counter()
 
@@ -148,8 +139,8 @@ while msg_to_send not in msg_content:
 zulip_recipient.deregister(queue_id)
 
 if seconds_diff > 12:
-    report("CRITICAL", timestamp=seconds_diff)
+    report("critical", timestamp=seconds_diff)
 if seconds_diff > 3:
-    report("WARNING", timestamp=seconds_diff)
+    report("warning", timestamp=seconds_diff)
 else:
-    report("OK", timestamp=seconds_diff)
+    report("ok", timestamp=seconds_diff)
diff --git a/scripts/lib/check_rabbitmq_queue.py b/scripts/lib/check_rabbitmq_queue.py
index fa12b7531f..ee6ed8ddf6 100644
--- a/scripts/lib/check_rabbitmq_queue.py
+++ b/scripts/lib/check_rabbitmq_queue.py
@@ -10,7 +10,7 @@ from typing import Any, DefaultDict, Dict, List
 ZULIP_PATH = os.path.dirname(os.path.dirname(os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))))
 
 sys.path.append(ZULIP_PATH)
-from scripts.lib.zulip_tools import get_config, get_config_file
+from scripts.lib.zulip_tools import atomic_nagios_write, get_config, get_config_file
 
 normal_queues = [
     "deferred_work",
@@ -190,8 +190,6 @@ def check_rabbitmq_queues() -> None:
 
     status = max(result["status"] for result in results)
 
-    now = int(time.time())
-
     if status > 0:
         queue_error_template = "queue {} problem: {}:{}"
         error_message = "; ".join(
@@ -199,6 +197,12 @@ def check_rabbitmq_queues() -> None:
             for result in results
             if result["status"] > 0
         )
-        print(f"{now}|{status}|{states[status]}|{error_message}")
+        sys.exit(
+            atomic_nagios_write(
+                "check-rabbitmq-results",
+                "critical" if status == CRITICAL else "warning",
+                error_message,
+            )
+        )
     else:
-        print(f"{now}|{status}|{states[status]}|queues normal")
+        atomic_nagios_write("check-rabbitmq-results", "ok", "queues normal")
diff --git a/scripts/lib/zulip_tools.py b/scripts/lib/zulip_tools.py
index 2124224b8d..38a7fff3b5 100755
--- a/scripts/lib/zulip_tools.py
+++ b/scripts/lib/zulip_tools.py
@@ -16,7 +16,7 @@ import sys
 import time
 import uuid
 from datetime import datetime, timedelta
-from typing import IO, Any, Dict, List, Optional, Sequence, Set, Union, overload
+from typing import IO, Any, Dict, List, Literal, Optional, Sequence, Set, Union, overload
 from urllib.parse import SplitResult
 
 import zoneinfo
@@ -723,6 +723,32 @@ def listening_publicly(port: int) -> List[str]:
     return [line.split()[4] for line in lines]
 
 
+def atomic_nagios_write(
+    name: str,
+    status: Literal["ok", "warning", "critical", "unknown"],
+    message: Optional[str] = None,
+    event_time: Optional[int] = None,
+) -> int:
+    if message is None:
+        message = status
+    if event_time is None:
+        event_time = int(time.time())
+    if status == "ok":
+        status_int = 0
+    elif status == "warning":
+        status_int = 1
+    elif status == "critical":
+        status_int = 2
+    elif status == "unknown":
+        status_int = 3
+
+    path = "/var/lib/nagios_state/" + name
+    with open(path + ".tmp", "w") as fh:
+        fh.write("|".join([str(event_time), str(status_int), status, message]) + "\n")
+    os.rename(path + ".tmp", path)
+    return status_int
+
+
 if __name__ == "__main__":
     cmd = sys.argv[1]
     if cmd == "make_deploy_path":
diff --git a/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-consumers b/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-consumers
index e78ad6d682..c256cf8e65 100755
--- a/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-consumers
+++ b/scripts/nagios/check-rabbitmq-consumers
@@ -11,14 +11,12 @@ from typing import Dict
 ZULIP_PATH = os.path.dirname(os.path.dirname(os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))))
 sys.path.append(ZULIP_PATH)
 from scripts.lib.check_rabbitmq_queue import normal_queues
-from scripts.lib.zulip_tools import get_config, get_config_file, get_tornado_ports
-
-states = {
-    0: "OK",
-    1: "WARNING",
-    2: "CRITICAL",
-    3: "UNKNOWN",
-}
+from scripts.lib.zulip_tools import (
+    atomic_nagios_write,
+    get_config,
+    get_config_file,
+    get_tornado_ports,
+)
 
 if "USER" in os.environ and os.environ["USER"] not in ["root", "rabbitmq"]:
     print("This script must be run as the root or rabbitmq user")
@@ -56,9 +54,6 @@ for line in output.split("\n"):
 now = int(time.time())
 
 for queue_name in consumers:
-    state_file_path = "/var/lib/nagios_state/check-rabbitmq-consumers-" + queue_name
-    state_file_tmp = state_file_path + "-tmp"
-
     target_count = 1
     if queue_name == "notify_tornado":
         target_count = TORNADO_PROCESSES
@@ -67,12 +62,8 @@ for queue_name in consumers:
             get_config(config_file, "application_server", "mobile_notification_shards", "1")
         )
 
-    if consumers[queue_name] < target_count:
-        status = 2
-    else:
-        status = 0
-    with open(state_file_tmp, "w") as f:
-        f.write(
-            f"{now}|{status}|{states[status]}|queue {queue_name} has {consumers[queue_name]} consumers, needs {target_count}\n"
-        )
-    os.rename(state_file_tmp, state_file_path)
+    atomic_nagios_write(
+        "check-rabbitmq-consumers-" + queue_name,
+        "critical" if consumers[queue_name] < target_count else "ok",
+        "queue {queue_name} has {consumers[queue_name]} consumers, needs {target_count}",
+    )
diff --git a/zproject/default_settings.py b/zproject/default_settings.py
index 79566c270a..651b79087d 100644
--- a/zproject/default_settings.py
+++ b/zproject/default_settings.py
@@ -575,7 +575,7 @@ GOOGLE_ANALYTICS_ID: Optional[str] = None
 # This is overridden by dev_settings.py for droplets.
 IS_DEV_DROPLET = False
 
-# Used by puppet/kandra/files/cron.d/check_send_receive_time.
+# Used by the `check_send_receive_time` monitoring tool.
 NAGIOS_BOT_HOST = SYSTEM_BOT_REALM + "." + EXTERNAL_HOST
 
 # Use half of the available CPUs for data import purposes.